My Mentor

Alright guys, I know it's been a while since my last entry, but hopefully I can get back to writing a bit more consistently. I'm not exactly sure how this post will be received, but it's something that I need to say and can't find the words to say it outright. Since my last post it has seemed like it's been a constant struggle both mental and physical for me. I've even been to the brink of hanging up the skates for good. While I continue to fight with most of these questions I haven't given in to the part of me that says "walk away". If I were on my own in this, believe me, I would have, and there are several people I have to thank for that. (There are more than the few I am about to name and I hope you understand how much your support means to me.) First, to Jamie, for being probably the best friend I have ever had. You are always the voice of reason and if I listened to you more often I wouldn't find myself in the situations that I do. Next, to Kavs, for taking the time to talk to me when I was prepared to throw everything I've worked so hard for away. I know how incredibly busy you are and I just want you to know how much it meant to me that you took the time to tell me quitting is NOT the answer. Next, to Taf, for being such an awesome positive influence on me and making me realize that trials are put in front of us for a reason. Since the day we met you have treated me like we have known each other forever. You've always been there to make me see the things that I sometimes blind myself to. Finally, to my mentor, Chad, to whom this entry is dedicated. I owe you more than I could ever say thank you for. Hopefully I can express some of that here.

Having someone that you can lean on and turn to when the times get tough is one of the most important attributes that you can have in this business. If you can find that you should never have anything to worry about. I just wish that I could understand this myself. Listen, I'll be the first person to tell you that I am lacking in the self-confidence department, so having someone to stand behind me and keep my head on straight has been one of the most beneficial facets that has come from this endeavor. As I said before, if I were on my own I would have given up a long time ago. I tell myself that I'm not up to par to ref this game. My feet are slow, I'm ridiculously short, and I think that my judgement is suspect at best. There's no limit to the short comings that I think I possess. Chad let's me know that these things are all in my head. It doesn't matter how many times he has to make me see things from his perspective, he stands behind me and gives me the confidence that for whatever reason i can't find on my own. This guy is a mentor in every since of the word. Yeah, I know the rules and how to apply them, but like everyone else, I screw up on occasion. He allows me the opportunity to say "I screwed up", but not to let it get in my head. Mistakes can be costly, but they're not the end of the world. Admit the mistake, learn from it, and move on. You can't change what's happened. All you can do is grow from it and keep moving forward. He never lets me turn a error in judgement into a bad game. 

I really am my own worst enemy. I know a lot of people say that, but you can ask anyone who knows me, I really am. I never give myself a break. I truly believe that I can't do anything right. I'm not sure why I do this to myself, but I always have. Learning how to think with confidence is new to me. I have to thank him for this as well. While I'm still learning this he has guided me to being a lot more comfortable with my decisions. I know that no matter what I call he is going to have my back. This is something he has told me the very first time we worked together. I can't begin to tell you how nervous I was; all I wanted to do was run away, but there was Chad reminding me that this was what I want to do and that he wasn't going to let me fail. Now, here we are over 2 years later and while I've questioned what I'm doing, I haven't given in. Things still aren't exactly easy for me, but I'm having fun and I know I'm going to be okay.

I guess my point in writing this entry is #1 to say thank you, but secondly to tell anyone out there who struggles with whether or not to walk away, don't. Find someone who is willing to help you through these times. Trust me, it doesn't matter where you are there's someone out there willing to take you under their wing. This is beneficial on so many levels. Thinking straight off the ice makes thinking straight on the ice a lot easier. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you the truth. It may not always be exactly what you want to hear, but its sometimes its the kick in the ass that you need. Know that they tell you these things not to bring you down, but to help you succeed. I know that if I drop the ball I'm going to hear about it, but that's okay. Its because he wants to see me work at the level he knows I'm capable of. 

I sometimes get stuck in things that are beneath what he sees in me because I get comfortable in something I'm doing. This is one of the areas I'm most grateful to him for. He doesn't let me get complacent. He pushes me to go further than what I believe I'm capable of. A lot of times I like to tell myself that I'm not good enough to work this level. He's always there to call me on that. He sees in me things that I don't, or that I've conditioned myself into believing. I get better because I'm pushed and because I'm told the truth. Things I'm doing today would have scared the Hell out of me a couple years ago and now I do them freely. I've not only grown as a Hockey Official, but as a person. I know that he would say I've done the things to get where I am, but the truth is if it wasn't for him I would have never had the confidence to make the changes I have made.

Chad, I want to thank you for everything that you have done for me. You have helped me grow into a respectable official that loves to do this job. While I'm not yet to where I want to be I know that I can count on you to help me reach my goals. The things that you have helped me through are far too many to name, but I want you to know that every piece of advice, every talk that we've had has been heard. Even though I still have my struggles, I know that I can always count on you to help me get through them. You are a great mentor and an even better friend. Thank you for everything.