There are going to be a lot of times that you feel like the world is against you and that you are alone. Trust me, this is not the case. There is always going to be someone there to help you through these tough times. Sometimes its the person standing right in front of you, sometimes its a person that comes from the last place you'd expect. With me it's a bit of both. I work with one of mine a lot of the times I'm on the ice, the other I have honestly never met in person. It's just about being open to the help that is available, even if it is unconventional.
As most of you know I have what some might call a bit of a self-confidence issue. (That's really a joke. I have major self-confidence issues) I get it in my head that I am the worst person ever to put on the stripes. Even though I know what I'm doing and have the ability to do it, I have a problem shutting out the self-doubt. I know that a lack of self-confidence is one of the worst traits that a Hockey Official can have, but my problem isn't on the ice necessarily, its getting from the dressing room to the ice and from the ice to the dressing room and beyond. I will mentally torture myself and make myself sick before and after game because I don't trust me. Its stupid, I know, but I can't seem to make the doubt go away. I'm not even talking about big games here, I'm talking about House and Adult League games. It shouldn't be this hard to put that sweater on and go out and do what I know I'm more than capable of doing. This is where the two main people I lean on for help come in. If it wasn't for them I would have listened to my demons and given in to the doubt a while ago. They have been there to push me forward every step of the way. They see the ability I know is there but can't see. They trust me. This is why I know that I can't quit. I can't give up. They believed in me enough to get me here so I can't let them down now. Because of them I am able to push through the fear and do what I love to do. Yeah, I still have a way to go, but I am on the right track. Every game gets easier and easier to go out for. Without them I know I would have quit, but here I am getting more and more confident everyday. Growing as an official and as a person. For all of this I am forever grateful to the two of you. I'm beginning to realize that even though a lot of times I may work by myself, I am never alone.
I know admitting to all of this may not have been the wisest thing for me to do. I know it makes me vulnerable for any coach or player that reads this to think that they can get into my head. Trust me, you won't, or at least you won't know it. Even if this post does fully expose my weaknesses as an Official I wrote it for the guy who wants to quit. Don't. You chose to be here for a reason. I'm sure that you love this game as much as the rest of us. Don't give up on that. Sure there are going to be times when you want to give in, that you question if it is all worth it. It is. You just have to fight through that. Use it to grow. You are going to mess up on occasion and people are going to yell at you for it, but just remember we have all been there. Rely on the people who are willing to walk with you through the hard times. Lean on them when you have to. We walk through the Hockey World together.
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